Keith and I went to the movies last night, we saw October Baby http://octoberbabymovie.net/. Fantabulous, Christian, pro-life, adoption, soul feeding,life important movie. I teared a bit here and there, so did Keith, though I am sure he won’t admit it. I pretty much sobbed at the end.. a good sob though 🙂
The story, of course gave me reason to think some more about this being adopted thing. It is hard for me to describe what it is to be adopted. I think that is how it is with a lot of we adoptee’s. There is just something about not being wanted that effects you. Then, being wanted by someone who does not have to, who makes you their own, when the ones that should have didn’t, is just profound.
I understand why I was not wanted. It was not me, Christy, that she did not want, it was ‘the’ baby. I don’t think badly of or have any anger towards my bio for not wanting me. I really do love her and care for her, as deeply as I can, for someone I don’t know very well. I appreciate that she wants a relationship with me now. I thank God we were given the opportunity to reunite. Yet, all the nice and good feelings I have for her does not change that I was not wanted. So, I think I have a bit of issue with rejection. Sometimes I try too hard to ‘make’ rejection not occur, which usually backfires. OR I don’t try at all, so I can avoid imagined rejection. Non adoptee’s go through this too, so I am not all that screwed up.
The other side of the not wanted thing, is that I was very wanted, by my parents. They wanted me, or at least a baby, which turned out to be me. Once they got me, they kept me, they made me theirs in their hearts. I see that ‘want’ ,that love, that an adoptive parent has, is possibly even more than that of biological parents. Kind of like the scripture Matthew 5:43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you,[h] 45 that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. 46 For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? 47 And if you greet your brethren only, what do you do more than others? Do not even the tax collectors[ do so? It is easy to love someone you like and know and are suppose to love. But to love someone different from you, some child that someone else did not want, that may have some genetic quirks no one expected, as if they are yours is a pretty awesome selfless thing.
During my teen years I was not always so sweet. Mom was not either. We definitely had our moments. If those moments were accentuated because we were of different genetic temperaments, I don’t know. I do know Mom had a pretty B@#$% streak with all of us. In rifts I would pull the adoption card on Mom, yelling that she understood nothing because she was not my real mom, and wishing my real mom had kept me etc. Anything to hurt her, as much as I felt hurt. (I learned that from Mom). I know now, with kids of my own, just the accusation of my being un-understanding, or a ‘bad’ mom cuts me to the core. I can’t imagine the hurt Mom must have felt when I denied her being my ‘real’ mom. I do know she never denied her love for me. Even at her worst most manipulative, controlling, selfish, moments, she loved me. Mom and Dad never ever did not want me. Never threatened to kick me out. Never quit speaking to me. Never said I was too much trouble or they did not want to handle my problems. They always wanted me. Always desired me to be their child. It was me that wanted it differently, sometimes. When things got ugly I wanted for happiness and security in an imagined world, away from those that wanted me, because they were not making me happy. I could have run away to another life, chosen to leave, turned my back on my parents. That would not have changed their wanting me, loving me, it would have changed them having me.
God wants us. He loves us. He desires us to be his children. John 3:1616 “For God so loved the world, that He gave His [a]only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. And as Paul says, 1 Timothy 4 (God)who desires all men to be saved and to come to the [c]knowledge of the truth Even though we are not his from birth–John 8:44 You are of your father the devil, and you want to do the desires of your father. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him. Whenever he speaks [a]a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies. Instead of us being infants waiting for our father to pluck us up,we are children. We are of age to choose to stay in’ the system’ or agree to be adopted. We are children of the world, an abusive, evi,l manipulate, lying, father, who does not want us, he just want’s to use us for his own gain. We can leave him and choose to be adopted. To become Gods children.God has applied and is approved to take us. John 1:12 But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name, 13 who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God. To make us HIS OWN 2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.
If we choose to stay in the world, to stay children of Satan it,to turn our backs on God, does not change that God wants us, it just keeps us separated from him. 41 “Then He will also say to those on His left, ‘Depart from Me, accursed ones, into the eternal fire which has been prepared for the devil and his angels; 42 for I was hungry, and you gave Me nothing to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me nothing to drink; 43 I was a stranger, and you did not invite Me in; naked, and you did not clothe Me; sick, and in prison, and you did not visit Me.’ 44 Then they themselves also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, or thirsty, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not take care of You?’ 45 Then He will answer them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.’ 46 These will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.” It is our choice. We can choose the world over God. If we choose the world, the analogy roles change a bit here:God gives us up, gives us over to our sin. It is like bio mom, she gave up the baby, not ME. God does not want the sin, but he does want us. The problem is if we choose the world we become the sin.
What if in one of my rants as a teenager I did leave my home, my parents whom desired me, wanted me? What if I had chosen against the love they offered, in search of what I believed to be better? Would my walking out have caused them to not want me? No, they would have always wanted me. Did their wanting me make me genetically theirs? No, I am forever genetically of another world. If I choose to be of my biological world, and deny my parents want/love I am not their child, my choice. What if I took the name of my biological family denied my parents name and when they died ,I stood in front of the judge to receive my inheritance?……. He would say ‘I don’t know you; DEPART FROM ME, YOU WHO PRACTICE LAWLESSNESS. ’Matthew 7:23. I would forever be lost from those who had loved and desired for me to choose them. Eternally separated to suffer the consequence of my sin.